![]() I want to get back to being able to enjoy my time off without feeling a gnawing sense of guilt or impending doom that I won’t be able to get everything done. I’ll admit I’m not thrilled that learning how to unwind from work appears to require more work, but that’s true of breaking any unhelpful pattern we’ve fallen into. (So far painting not-so-great watercolors is my best attempt at a hobby.) It makes sense that I am pulled by the intoxicating hit of productivity when my sources of relaxing at home aren’t even that enjoyable or satisfying! This is a signal that I need to take the plunge of looking for a new show, even if I’m worried I won’t like it, and spend more time painting than scrolling. So instead, I will find myself on TikTok or rewatching a show that isn’t able to keep my full interest. Part of the problem is that I don’t currently have enough fulfilling non-productive ways to enjoy my time. And it’s something I need to break if I want any shot of having a satisfying work-life balance. I have become hooked on the feeling of accomplishment. ![]() The “productively loop” will tell me I should make sure I get all the laundry done or wipe the table another time. But sometimes I’m just at home and even, though I am no longer “working” on homework or my career, there is still the pull to be domestically productive. ![]() I find this to be a great approach when there is something fun to do. This is a well-proven tactic called behavioral activation, where you force yourself to do stuff even when you don’t necessarily want to because chances are you’ll feel better once you’re doing it. (Singing is always a good sign when it comes to my mental health!) Instead of beating myself up about my lingering bad mood, I had chosen to go out and do something I historically enjoy. I had gone out for a long walk with my fiancé and dogs and found myself singing a little ditty about fizzy, hoppy tea. This realization came to me about two hours later when I noticed I was finally having a good time-despite my earlier fear that enjoyment was no longer in my repertoire. And it’s okay if it takes me a bit of time to settle into that. It’s not like finishing one paper meant I was now officially retired. I still have a lot on my plate and I am still worried about all the other upcoming assignments in my classes. But now I’m understanding that hoping for that kind of automatic switch is unrealistic. When it didn’t happen, I sunk more into the bad feelings. I was waiting to be flooded with good energy. I felt myself get annoyed that I wasn’t excited to be done with work on Sunday. So, what does that work look like? It begins with changing my expectations. In an ironic twist, it’s become another thing I need to work on. But that doesn’t make it easier in practice to turn my brain from “work mode” to “relax mode.” That transition, at least right now, is no longer something that seamlessly happens on its own. ![]() I know, intellectually, that my output does not define my value. We live in a society that overly values accomplishments and often blames people’s struggles on not working hard enough (while conveniently ignoring the systemic issues that are at the root of most problems). The pressure to always feel productive is not a unique feeling. All this work and anxiety around work has thrust me into what I’m going to call a “productivity loop,” where I feel like if I’m not being productive, I am doing something wrong. I’m finding myself having to work most days of the week as I meticulously plan out when and how I am going to get everything done. This means my normal schedule of working during the weekdays and taking off the weekends has gone out the window. Instead, I didn’t really know what to do with myself.įor the past few months, I’ve had more work than normal as I juggle career commitments and school. and I still had a good amount of my Sunday to relax and unwind. ![]() You would think the moment I finished I’d be flooded with relief. The whole process filled me with fear that I wasn’t smart enough and anger that I had to do something that made me feel so terrible. The assignment had been hanging over my head for a week as I tried my best to understand confusing peer reviewed journal articles and synthesize research findings into original and thoughtful takeaways. On Sunday morning, I woke up and finally finished a literature review for my research methods grad school class. ![]()
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